I
was cleaning my room when I accidentally bumped into the old stack of papers
under my desk. And then I found this – a mini diary written two years ago. I
couldn’t even hold my tears when I read what I wrote back then. A mindless and
naïve girl just wrote anything she thought without even considering what
happened behind them.
“He’s
sick today. But I still want him to be here. I love him. I don’t know how to
show it. It’s just like…every time I want to see him. I’m hurt, but it’s not
him who hurts me. He never hurts me. I’m the one who makes everything worse. I
want to see him all the time. I don’t know if he feels the way I feel. But at
least, I trust him. I trust that he loves me.”
“I
can’t imagine if someday he can’t take it anymore and gives up and leaves me.
If I said I miss him, I really mean it. If I said sorry, it means I make fault
and want him to forgive me. If I said that it’s okay, it means I don’t want to
make him worry. I don’t know what to do if he really leaves me someday…”
“Can I
survive without him? I told him that I never thought of planning the future.
But deep inside, I have planned everything perfectly. Like – we’ll study abroad
together and taking the same university, share an apartment, buy groceries
together, get tons of couple outfits, build a great house, go to carnival or
beach or movie marathon, get the home cinema + very big couch and play video
games, and I’ll cook for him every day and he’ll never get bored with the
meals… But if someday he suddenly gets tired of me, all things above will be
nothing. I can only imagine those things if the guy is him…”
“Every
time he says ‘I love you’, I’ll cry because I trust him so much. I don’t want
those words to be vanished someday. They said nothing lasts forever but I don’t
care. I take this relationship too serious from the first time I said I love
him. Maybe he won’t do the same but at least there’s someone who fights for
this relationship.”
“To be
honest, I feel so jealous when it comes to some kind of girls. Sometimes I just
over-think that perhaps he’d choose that girl if he didn’t meet me right now.
Like – oh! They both look so damn good together! That’s why I’m scared to death
that something precious in my life would be taken away. I trust him but the
jealousy can’t be controlled sometimes.”
“I
want him in my life. He brings me joy. He’s my boy, part of my world. Maybe he
still doesn’t know how much I love him and how much I want him and how much I
miss him. I wonder if he read this…”
“One
day my friend asked me: ‘What would you do if he suddenly left you?’ – I’ll
seek for him or I’ll wait for him. And what if he comes back with a new
girlfriend or fiancé or even wife? As long as she’s not his wife, I’ll beat her
up. I’ll tell everything to him like ‘I’ve been waiting for you. 30/09 is our
date. I love you. If you leave me, I will die. I will jump off the bridge. No,
I’m just kidding. But just don’t leave me’ and make him realize that I’m the
one. But if she’s his wife, let me be his second wife. Oh yes, it’s a joke
(again). Just…can’t you let him go? If she doesn’t want to, I’ll let them live
HAPPILY EVER AFTER.”
At
first, it would be funny because of the childish things above – like it’s not
easy to have a wife leaving her husband. I was just an idiot back then. I
didn’t even think what’s happening on his side. We’re only 16 back then. And
you know that kind of hormone when you feel everything is normal in that moment
but turns worse in seconds. And you’ll be like so dramatic, crying on the
couch, playing the role as the broken-hearted woman while the problem actually
lies on you. You make yourself drown in your own problem – the problem you
created by yourself. So you’ll just be like thinking of it all the time,
telling yourself that you’re the worse and he’d leave you and he’d get tired of
you. Well, if you’re like that all the time, he’d leave you of course. I’d
leave you if I were your boyfriend. So I’ve learned so many things from what
have happened in the past. I’m NEWBORN GIRL now!!! Yeah!!! *cheers* I was
actually a crybaby last time but now it seems so hard to cry even when I watch
Titanic or movies like that. I grow up stronger than before. I hurt – that’s
why I am stronger now. I learned from my failure and those things will build me
into better person so I’ll be “PERFECT” for my future lover (despite for it’s
him or another guy). This is such a dramatic post. You may laugh at me but I
learned many things from this. Keep smile and don’t give up! I love you! xx
- SL
