A Story Written Two Years Ago

I was cleaning my room when I accidentally bumped into the old stack of papers under my desk. And then I found this – a mini diary written two years ago. I couldn’t even hold my tears when I read what I wrote back then. A mindless and naïve girl just wrote anything she thought without even considering what happened behind them.

“He’s sick today. But I still want him to be here. I love him. I don’t know how to show it. It’s just like…every time I want to see him. I’m hurt, but it’s not him who hurts me. He never hurts me. I’m the one who makes everything worse. I want to see him all the time. I don’t know if he feels the way I feel. But at least, I trust him. I trust that he loves me.”

“I can’t imagine if someday he can’t take it anymore and gives up and leaves me. If I said I miss him, I really mean it. If I said sorry, it means I make fault and want him to forgive me. If I said that it’s okay, it means I don’t want to make him worry. I don’t know what to do if he really leaves me someday…”

“Can I survive without him? I told him that I never thought of planning the future. But deep inside, I have planned everything perfectly. Like – we’ll study abroad together and taking the same university, share an apartment, buy groceries together, get tons of couple outfits, build a great house, go to carnival or beach or movie marathon, get the home cinema + very big couch and play video games, and I’ll cook for him every day and he’ll never get bored with the meals… But if someday he suddenly gets tired of me, all things above will be nothing. I can only imagine those things if the guy is him…”

“Every time he says ‘I love you’, I’ll cry because I trust him so much. I don’t want those words to be vanished someday. They said nothing lasts forever but I don’t care. I take this relationship too serious from the first time I said I love him. Maybe he won’t do the same but at least there’s someone who fights for this relationship.”

“To be honest, I feel so jealous when it comes to some kind of girls. Sometimes I just over-think that perhaps he’d choose that girl if he didn’t meet me right now. Like – oh! They both look so damn good together! That’s why I’m scared to death that something precious in my life would be taken away. I trust him but the jealousy can’t be controlled sometimes.”

“I want him in my life. He brings me joy. He’s my boy, part of my world. Maybe he still doesn’t know how much I love him and how much I want him and how much I miss him. I wonder if he read this…”

“One day my friend asked me: ‘What would you do if he suddenly left you?’ – I’ll seek for him or I’ll wait for him. And what if he comes back with a new girlfriend or fiancé or even wife? As long as she’s not his wife, I’ll beat her up. I’ll tell everything to him like ‘I’ve been waiting for you. 30/09 is our date. I love you. If you leave me, I will die. I will jump off the bridge. No, I’m just kidding. But just don’t leave me’ and make him realize that I’m the one. But if she’s his wife, let me be his second wife. Oh yes, it’s a joke (again). Just…can’t you let him go? If she doesn’t want to, I’ll let them live HAPPILY EVER AFTER.”

At first, it would be funny because of the childish things above – like it’s not easy to have a wife leaving her husband. I was just an idiot back then. I didn’t even think what’s happening on his side. We’re only 16 back then. And you know that kind of hormone when you feel everything is normal in that moment but turns worse in seconds. And you’ll be like so dramatic, crying on the couch, playing the role as the broken-hearted woman while the problem actually lies on you. You make yourself drown in your own problem – the problem you created by yourself. So you’ll just be like thinking of it all the time, telling yourself that you’re the worse and he’d leave you and he’d get tired of you. Well, if you’re like that all the time, he’d leave you of course. I’d leave you if I were your boyfriend. So I’ve learned so many things from what have happened in the past. I’m NEWBORN GIRL now!!! Yeah!!! *cheers* I was actually a crybaby last time but now it seems so hard to cry even when I watch Titanic or movies like that. I grow up stronger than before. I hurt – that’s why I am stronger now. I learned from my failure and those things will build me into better person so I’ll be “PERFECT” for my future lover (despite for it’s him or another guy). This is such a dramatic post. You may laugh at me but I learned many things from this. Keep smile and don’t give up! I love you! xx

- SL