NOBODY WOULD CHOOSE PAIN, NOBODY WOULD CHOOSE SHAME

(case sensitive but fuck the judges)

Despite of my religion has taught me, I write this based on humanity.

Homosexual is legalized. They are happy to be free. Law doesn't take them apart anymore. But still, even law can't shut the judgmental cunts. I'm not saying that you can't have the thought against the gay and lesbian (according to your culture or religion). But what I'm saying here is that you don't have the right to point out your finger and bully or insult or make them feel ashamed of what they commit.

NOBODY WOULD CHOOSE PAIN, NOBODY WOULD CHOOSE SHAME. If they know they'll be hurt and rejected, why would they choose to be one? BECAUSE THEY DON'T CHOOSE TO BE GAY OR LESBIAN. THEY FALL IN LOVE - like all normal people do. I believe that no religion EVER concede the homosexuality. But, I truly believe either, that no religion EVER teaches us to point out other's sins and judge them. I believe we are meant to admonish, not to accuse.

Despite of religions and faith, I just want people to restore their humanity. It's fine to have your own thought of homosexuality, whether you agree or disagree with it. No one has right to control what you have to believe and no one COULD force you to. But remember, you  can decide not to hurt, accuse, or judge them. Why hurt people if you can love them? Why being disgusted if you actually adhere to your religion? Love. Just love. If you can't do it, just stop insulting or hurting them. They have feelings too. They are also human. And you have to understand that.

Septrani Lim.

Never once

I miss my home

Where countless obnoxious things happened

Shouts, screams, tears, curses, arguments

But never once we’re parted

I miss my home

Where countless picturesque memories rooted

Laughs, teases, a family’s Sunday service, vacations, movie night

Never once we thought of separation

I miss Mom

I miss coming back home having her cooking for dinner

Tasting the most delicious flavor Heaven could ever give for a man

Never once I thought of longing the taste

I miss my sister

How we always end up taking care of each other

Despite of the little arguments and fracas we’ve been through

Never once I thought of missing our small tiffs

I miss Dad

Whom I was the closest to in the family

And understood me the best

Never once I thought that he’s turned to be the most distant

Never once I thought my life would take its turn against me this way

Never once

Spill of thoughts

They might be right about you,
but they might be wrong either.
People talk about others,
it's a properly act in this world.
But that proper act they do doesn't define WHO you are
and WHO you supposed to be.
You are who you would want to become.
You are the one who decided what to do with your life.
Not them,
not by others' perceptions and opinions about your life.
If you act as you want to please every one of them,
you will NEVER succeed.
Why?
Because people see you in certain point of views.
Many will stand up with you,
and many more will stand against you.
But no matter what happens,
you won't give up,
you will never give yourself up because of them.
Do what your heart tells you to do.
Be kind and courageous.
Smile more,
love more.
I'm not just telling you to survive this world.
I'm telling you to enjoy living your life for you've given the opportunity.
Don't mind the people who keep dragging you down.
Keep working on your dreams,
no matter what.
No matter how cruel this world treats you,
no matter how big the burden they give you.
Just keep this promise sounded in your mind,
that one day they will see you
and regret not to stand up with you
at the first place.

A Story Written Two Years Ago

I was cleaning my room when I accidentally bumped into the old stack of papers under my desk. And then I found this – a mini diary written two years ago. I couldn’t even hold my tears when I read what I wrote back then. A mindless and naïve girl just wrote anything she thought without even considering what happened behind them.

“He’s sick today. But I still want him to be here. I love him. I don’t know how to show it. It’s just like…every time I want to see him. I’m hurt, but it’s not him who hurts me. He never hurts me. I’m the one who makes everything worse. I want to see him all the time. I don’t know if he feels the way I feel. But at least, I trust him. I trust that he loves me.”

“I can’t imagine if someday he can’t take it anymore and gives up and leaves me. If I said I miss him, I really mean it. If I said sorry, it means I make fault and want him to forgive me. If I said that it’s okay, it means I don’t want to make him worry. I don’t know what to do if he really leaves me someday…”

“Can I survive without him? I told him that I never thought of planning the future. But deep inside, I have planned everything perfectly. Like – we’ll study abroad together and taking the same university, share an apartment, buy groceries together, get tons of couple outfits, build a great house, go to carnival or beach or movie marathon, get the home cinema + very big couch and play video games, and I’ll cook for him every day and he’ll never get bored with the meals… But if someday he suddenly gets tired of me, all things above will be nothing. I can only imagine those things if the guy is him…”

“Every time he says ‘I love you’, I’ll cry because I trust him so much. I don’t want those words to be vanished someday. They said nothing lasts forever but I don’t care. I take this relationship too serious from the first time I said I love him. Maybe he won’t do the same but at least there’s someone who fights for this relationship.”

“To be honest, I feel so jealous when it comes to some kind of girls. Sometimes I just over-think that perhaps he’d choose that girl if he didn’t meet me right now. Like – oh! They both look so damn good together! That’s why I’m scared to death that something precious in my life would be taken away. I trust him but the jealousy can’t be controlled sometimes.”

“I want him in my life. He brings me joy. He’s my boy, part of my world. Maybe he still doesn’t know how much I love him and how much I want him and how much I miss him. I wonder if he read this…”

“One day my friend asked me: ‘What would you do if he suddenly left you?’ – I’ll seek for him or I’ll wait for him. And what if he comes back with a new girlfriend or fiancé or even wife? As long as she’s not his wife, I’ll beat her up. I’ll tell everything to him like ‘I’ve been waiting for you. 30/09 is our date. I love you. If you leave me, I will die. I will jump off the bridge. No, I’m just kidding. But just don’t leave me’ and make him realize that I’m the one. But if she’s his wife, let me be his second wife. Oh yes, it’s a joke (again). Just…can’t you let him go? If she doesn’t want to, I’ll let them live HAPPILY EVER AFTER.”

At first, it would be funny because of the childish things above – like it’s not easy to have a wife leaving her husband. I was just an idiot back then. I didn’t even think what’s happening on his side. We’re only 16 back then. And you know that kind of hormone when you feel everything is normal in that moment but turns worse in seconds. And you’ll be like so dramatic, crying on the couch, playing the role as the broken-hearted woman while the problem actually lies on you. You make yourself drown in your own problem – the problem you created by yourself. So you’ll just be like thinking of it all the time, telling yourself that you’re the worse and he’d leave you and he’d get tired of you. Well, if you’re like that all the time, he’d leave you of course. I’d leave you if I were your boyfriend. So I’ve learned so many things from what have happened in the past. I’m NEWBORN GIRL now!!! Yeah!!! *cheers* I was actually a crybaby last time but now it seems so hard to cry even when I watch Titanic or movies like that. I grow up stronger than before. I hurt – that’s why I am stronger now. I learned from my failure and those things will build me into better person so I’ll be “PERFECT” for my future lover (despite for it’s him or another guy). This is such a dramatic post. You may laugh at me but I learned many things from this. Keep smile and don’t give up! I love you! xx

- SL

Dear Future Daughter

Random things just passed by my mind... And I decided to post this thing.

1. When you're at some party, chain smoking on the roof with some strange girl with blue hair and exorbitant large dark eyes. Ask her about her day. I promise you, you won't regret it. Often times you'll find the strangest of people have the most captivating of stories to tell.
2. Please, never mistake desire for love. Love will engulf your soul, whilst desire will emerge as acid, slowly making its way through your veins, gradually burning you from the inside out.
3. No one is going to fucking save you. Anything you've read or heard otherwise is bullshit.
4. One day a boy is going to come along whose touch feels like fire and whose words taste like vanilla. When he leaves you, you will want to die. If you know anything at all, know that it is only temporary
5. Your mental health comes before school, baby. Always. If it's midnight, and you have an exam the next day but your hands have been shaking for the past hour and a half and you're not so sure you want to be alive anymore, go the fuck to bed. So what if you get a bad score on the exam the next day? You took care of yourself and at the end of the day that will always come before a high test score. To hell with anyone who tells you differently.

HE IS NOT AN IDIOT

I have been asked so many times about how could my ex be an idiot and left a beautiful girl like me. I got tired of that question and I won't answer it because that's out of my capacity to do that. The point is I don't want people to assume that loyalty and love are based on beauty and physical appearance. I don't think my ex would fall in love with me that day if he only looked for beauty - because I am just a plain Jane. And I don't think my ex would stick with me that long if he only wanted me for physical appearance - because I am not hot, skinny, or whatever. Guys are easily bored if they only want you for your body. So, I just want my friends and all people out there to stop assuming that it's idiot for a guy to leave a beautiful girl behind. Relationship failed for a reason, guys. We broke up for an exact reason - we both realized that we don't walk in the same path and that this relationship can't be worth fighting for anymore. It's just too complicated for a teenager like us to face this thing, but that's a fact we cannot avoid. He wanted to stick with his principal and I have to understand his will. He is not an idiot because he used to love me just the way I am. CLARIFIED.

I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO REACT

Six months passed.

And I met him yesterday.

I thought I have moved on.

But turned out I was so wrong.

I forced myself to think that way.

While in fact it wasn't like that at all.

He still lingers at every corner of my heart.

His name still gives me ticklish feeling on my tummy.

Heart beats so fast.

Can't even control myself.

Feel the warmth on my face.

I know it turns red when I hear they say your name.

When you talk to me,

I don't even know how to react.

I act like a fool, a very foolish girl.

Because I'm afraid I'd speak stupid thing that will turn your back away once again.

I really want to know.

Have you ever thought about me like I think about you?

Every day, you are still close to my mind.

Can I have you once again?

MY THOUGHT ON BEAUTY PAGEANT

So, there's this contest in my city called "Gege Meimei" (哥哥妹妹). It's kind of beauty pageant but there will be a pair of winner in this contest. There will be one guy (哥哥) and one girl (妹妹). I don't know how to address this contest so I just call it beauty pageant because "brain, beauty, behavior" is judged here. "Gege Meimei" (哥哥妹妹) is a community here at my region which aims to introduce Tionghua culture. I just voted for some candidates and most of them look great.

Yesterday, my friend asked me why I didn't join this contest. It didn't take so long for me to answer, "I'm not ready yet." YES, I'm not ready at all for this kind of contest. People keep saying that if you keep waiting, you'll never be ready. But I'm quite sure that I will be ready, someday. I have some thoughts on this contest, where "brain, beauty, behavior" is judged here.

First, I need to have extensive knowledge, not only in general, but in specific way, especially about my own region, West Borneo. I need to understand my own culture and have the ability to introduce it to public. It's not that easy to persuade people to put interest on our culture. If we're bad in presenting our culture, it will end up promiscuous and people won't even look at our culture. That's why I have a little worries on it.

Second, I have to look good, physically good. Beauty plays big role in this kind of contest. When you're presenting something, people will look at your presentable physical appearance first, before getting into what you will talking about. I believe that every girl is beautiful, with or without makeup. However, I feel not really confident being compared with other girls. You may see me beautiful, but honestly I don't feel beautiful enough. I'm a perfectionist. People judge me based on this trait. "Nobody's perfect." YES I KNOW. But at least I will try my best to cover what I lack of. Until now, I still can't find way to hide it. My height is 5'18" which is considered normal for my age, but I'm not really confident with fats all over my body. I mean, my thigh touches each other, and I don't have flat stomach, and yeah, I'm 59 kilograms, almost 60! I'm very desperate with this number, although some of my friends try to cheer me up by saying "it's only a number, dear!" but. it's. almost. sixty! Who the hell wants to see a 60 kilograms girl walking on stage? Well, society sucks now, but we can't blame them. Everyone loves to see beautiful tall skinny lady. That's why I have a big worries on it.

And the third, behavior. I don't really have much worries on this. Because I think I behave well all over my life. I respect elders. I almost always be there for everyone. I'm not trying to gain attention - or I'm not an attention seeker. But sometimes I just feel lonely and I don't speak up my problems. I'm just afraid it will disturb my daily activity in that community. I mean, not everyone is going to like you. I'm the person who is easily disturbed by someone who doesn't like me. Because I have the thought of making people to like me. When I know someone is hating me and spreading hatred or bad gossips about me, it will upset me and I will be like "Okay, I'm going to sit here and think of it" I know, I know, it's not a positive way to respond on this case. And yeah, I will just keep them by myself and it will explode someday in my life. So I'm afraid to make everyone upsets with this situation.

I want to work on those three things before I walk to the stage. I want to be the person who makes my rivals doubt their own self-qualities. I don't want to be on stage while I'm not ready. It will just make me ashamed to walk on the stage with no quality. I think the candidates for this contest have already passed the standard. And everyone seems good-looking, smart, and kind. So, I just wish a very good luck for the candidates and whoever win in the end, I hope you can work on your part well.